KHII EXTREME INTERVIEWS!
by stupidandcontagious44
Summary: Getting down and dirty with the cast from KHII! Not for the faint of heart, but definately for the faint of mind! Rated for language and other mature content...if quotation marks don't appear, I apologize, my Word is screwy.
1. Chapter 1

Extreme! Kingdom Hearts II Interview!

With your host: S&C44!

Who owns absolutely none of this. Seriously. If I did, Donald and Goofy wouldn't suck donkey balls in the second game. And the levels wouldn't be a bad re-enactment of the movies…(I played this game for 15 hours straight the first day I got it, don't think I don't appreciate it).

My queer intro song:

This is my interview! With who? The KH two crew! Woo-hoo! All the other interviews blew…mine is something new! Cast members just for you!

Thank you; thank you. Now, on with the original program…

Interview Number One: Shadow Heartless – The most evil bug around

S&C44: "Welcome! Welcome to the first installment of my Kingdom Hearts II interviews. Here I talk to and about the characters we see in the second installment of this kick-_ass_ game for your reading pleasure. Due to an extremely low budget (and lack of people to kidnap the really cool characters) our first guest is…Shadow heartless!"

/Shadow hops out from behind the curtain to very mild cheers and applause from the 17 audience members there. Sinking into the ground, it scurries up to its chair and peers around

S&C44/Grabs note cards and shuffles them around\ "So, Shadow – may I call you that – you've become quite famous over the past 4 years. Since the debut of Kingdom Hearts you've been the symbol of all Heartless everywhere. What's it like being the superstar?"

Shadow/Makes squishy noises\

S&C44: "I see…_very_ interesting. I didn't realize you could reproduce at all, let alone with a CAT. And Mittens has been your spouse for how long?"

Shadow/More squishy noises\

S&C44: "25 years…wait, the franchise came out in 2002! You lying bastard! I bet you can't even reproduce!"

Shadow/Cries\

S&C44: "Okay…look, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have been so harsh." /Reaches over to comfort Shadow\

Shadow/Bites S&C's hand and kicks him in the head, knocking him unconscious. Then crawls over to S&C's limp body, snags his wallet and runs off\

(Intermission)

5 minutes later...

S&C44/Groans and stands up slowly\ "Ouch…that bastard. Well this interview was going nowhere anyway, and besides - …That motherfucker took my God damn wallet! Oh, _as monkey_! Well any – fucking – way, I have to go find something that closely resembles a keyblade and get my wallet back. And don't forget to join me next week when my guest doesn't SUCK SO MUCH!" /Hollers backstage\


	2. Chapter 2

Extreme! Kingdom Hearts II Interview!

With your host: S&C44!

And no, I don't own anything related to KH except a copy of the game. Which I haven't played in fucking MONTHS because I let someone borrow it and they still haven't given it back…don't worry, my friends, I will kill them for it if I must.

Oh, and as a side note, I apologize to the people I am about to offend…but it's really all just in fun, don't hate me for it. Thank you

My queer intro song:

This is my interview! With who? The KH two crew! Woo-hoo! All the other interviews blew…mine is something new! Cast members just for you!

God, I need a new song…

Interview Number Two: Tron – It's a good thing Bush isn't in this game…

S&C: "Welcome again fellow KHII nuts! Your host Stupidandcontagious here with another cast member interview. This time instead of a lying, robbing little black bastard, we have unofficial gay celebrity Tron here all the way from some computer in Radiant Garden!"

/A little applause from the 20 people now seated in the audience, some holding "Go Guest!" signs showing a stick figure beating up a crude drawing of S&C. Tron walks out in his glowing one-piece jumpsuit, glaring\

S&C: "Welcome, Tron! One thing before we start, I hired a bodyguard for this time. Actually, I got him out of jail. So if you try to take a swing at me, Enrique here will kick your ass. And probably rape it too, it's been a while since he's had a woman, and we all know you wish you were one."

Tron: "Stop with the homosexual jests, please. I was merely showing my appreciation in a way I thought Users normally did."

S&C: "_Suuuuuure_ you were. You might wanna go sign up with the Catholic priests now that you're out of that computer. You'd fit right in with their gig."

Tron: "What?"

S&C: "Nothing, let's move on. /Shuffles through note cards\ "So Tron, what was it like working with the famous KH crew?"

Tron: "Oh, it was wonderful-"

S&C/cough\Ibetitwas/cough\

Tron: "Did you say something?"

S&C: "Nope, please continue."

Tron: "As I was saying, it was thoroughly stimulating. So many new feelings were introduced to me for the first time. Sora, Donald and Goofy are the best friends a security program could ever want. …Are you functioning properly?"

S&C/Choking, almost crying and red-faced from trying not to laugh\ "Yep…" /wheeze\ "I'm fine. Let's just move on to the next question. Now that the game is over, what do you plan on doing in life?"

Tron: "Oh, I was just planning on making a new, improved security system designed to keep out data like the MCP."

S&C/Muttering\ "Yeah, cuz you have too much estrogen to do it yourself…"

Tron/Stands up and yells\ "Listen, damn it, that hug was in the script! I do not have sexual feelings toward young boys!" /Takes disc off back and hits S&C with it\

S&C: "Ow! Motherfucker- Enrique! And don't forget, next week if I get the right fishing lure, we get to talk to the vile vixen of vocals, Ariel!"

/Enrique, a huge Hispanic man in a black shirt that says "SECURITY" on the back grabs Tron and drags him backstage where blood-curdling shrieks can be heard across the room. Everyone in the audience cheers as S&C takes a bow and exits in the opposite direction. Very quickly\


	3. Chapter 3

Extreme! Kingdom Hearts II Interview!

With your host: S&C44!

Please. Me owning _anything_ this big would be like Elton John turning straight. It just won't happen.

Oh, and as a side note, I apologize to the people I am about to offend…but it's really all just in fun, don't hate me for it. Thank you

I KILLED THE INTRO SONG! I KILLED IT! IT'S GONE FOR GOOD! I HATE YOU ALL /Breaks down into tears\

Interview Number Three: Ariel – Next time, I'm only singing if the shells come off.

S&C: "Hello, hello, loyal fans and people looking for something to lower their IQ's drastically! This new installment of my informative, intriguing and otherwise disturbing series of interview with the cast of KHII is featuring the scantily clad fish herself, Ariel!

/Cheers and applause from the rapidly growing crowd as Ariel drags herself across the floor to the guest chair. S&C leans for"ward and stares at her boobs. Ariel is thankfully oblivious\

Ariel: "Hi everyone! Hello S&C! It's so great to get to see this world above the ocean!"

S&C/Snaps out of the trance Ariel's tiny shells had put him in and wipes a little drool away from the corner of his mouth\ "Hmm? Hello, Boobs – er, hello, Ariel! So kind of you to join us! Of your own free will…"

Ariel: "Actually, I was caught in a net and dragged up here, knocked unconscious and given the options of either slow torture or being on the show."

S&C: "Meh, I was close. Anyway, let's get down to business; I have some questions to ask you." /Grabs note cards\ "So you're back again in the KH series, except this time your level sucks. What in God's name were you Mer-people thinking when you put in your 2 cents for a level?"

Ariel: "Well, we thought of something we find fun that would make the game interesting and fresh for the player. Singing is something we enjoy down in the ocean, so we brought the idea to Tetsuya Nomura and he liked it, so it went from there. Um…are you okay?"

S&C/Slapping his forehead\ "I _knew_ drugging him to put in a 'nude females' cheat was a bad idea! God _damn_ it! Singing, by the way, was complete fucking torture, I hate you and your people for even thinking of it and the only thing keeping me from commiting mass genocide is the fact that if you were real you would me _smokin'_ hot."

Ariel: "Um…thank you?"

/Catcalls and hollers of "Take off your shells!" come down from the audience\

S&C: "Sure, no problem. Anyway, next question. Do you think in future KH titles your kind will return? And if you do, do you think you'll have any _more_ bright ideas? That's sarcasm, by the way."

Ariel: "Um…well I don't know…. I can't think of anything for me to do now…I mean, we already did the movie and minigame."

S&C/Sighs in relief\ Now THAT is good news. Just one last thing before you go.

Ariel: "Oh! Do _you_ want to sing, too?"

S&C: "…Well that's not what I was thinking…but I'll do it on 1 condition…."

Ariel: "What's that?"

S&C: "Take off the shells!"

/Much cheering and applause comes from the male part of the audience and a little from the female\

Ariel: "Okay, but I don't get why everyone wants me to do that." /Reaches behind her back to undo the strap…thing\

S&C: "Next week, Tits McGee is gonna be on the show; get ready for Tifa! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make this chick sing..."

/Curtain closes just as the shells fall off and the audience begins yelling and throwing things at the curtain before leaving\


End file.
